Music

Every hear a song that just says in your head for days at time and you just think its a new song, but found out its old.  I have found that song.  I was watching Gray's Anatomy the other and the song "The Story" just found something inside of me that keeps making me thing of those lyrics. 

If someone knew the "me" of the past few years they would probably understand alot about me now.  What my children have been through and what I have endured is not the easy life that we were suppose to have. 

I was married, but I was not happily married and plus he was a liar to not only himself, but to everyone around him.  He has so many people fooled and I really think he had fooled himself.  He even had his own mother fooled.  I look back and I see all the signs, why didn't I see them then and before we got hurt the way we did. 

I lost my whole world in a matter of days....7 of them to be exact.  I was fired from my job on October 31st, but was told that I could work out the remainder of th week, but why.  Plus my own boss couldn't even hire me, she let the human resources lady do it for her and they lied to me.  Told me I had a job in another department, but they canceled that.  I just wanted to scream and that is why I said F*** it all and not go back to rest of the week.  I went straight to the employment agencies and went from there.  I got a job working for Goodwill as a temp during their sales peak for the holiday season, but I knew that wouldn't last.  It was less than what I was making and I was the only one working so I was desperate for work. 

November 7, 2007, my children were taken away from me by DHS and the police and my ex-husband was arrested for child abuse on my oldest son.  I was looking at being charged for "failure to protect."  I was lost.  I had no idea where to go or who to go too, but Traci was there and helped me get through all the times, but no one was there for during my court appearances and I think that was God's way of telling me that I could do this and I was do this is alone. 

"So all the lines across my face tells you the story of who I am so many stories of where I've been and how I got to where I am"

I will share more later. 

April 3rd

14 years on this Friday I became a mom for the first time.  It is hard to believe that 14 years ago I had my first child.  Time sure has flown when I look back at it.  So many things we have done and we have been through.  I wonder at times why God put us together as a family. 

I was telling someone the other day at work about my kids because they are like night and day.  Preston was the very mellow child.  Everyone loved him and he was so good, never caused trouble, just kind of was there, but Noah is all over the place, but he loves with his whole heart just like Preston does, but Noah makes like fun and interesting, Preston was just an existence.  Don't take this badly of me, but that is how I view them at times.  That person I told that too, she tells me God gave you Noah for the fun to be brought back into your life.  I mean, Preston and I can sit in the living room perfectly quiet and just read and just know each other is there, but that is all.  Noah is all over the place making noises, laughing, making me yell and raise my voice.  He is just a little livelier than Preston. 

I remember the anticipation I was having waiting for the next day to come.  Most of my family had just left that Sunday after my grandpa's funeral and most of them were pretty upset that I didn't have him then so they could at least meet him, but Preston had other plans.  I talked to his grandma Rachel the day before and that was the first time in months that I had even spoke to her and she reached his dad Jacob and had him call me, I guess.  I talked to him too and it was odd.  That Monday morning mom and I left to head off to Poteau and were informed that the nurse on duty was late because she wasn't feeling all that great, but we got there and 1 hour later she showed up and there the pitocin was started.  I was ready to have him then and there, but you know babies they show up when they want too.

I guess I will try gradually this week to tell his story one day at time and on the days it happened.  Might be neat to keep up with memory lane that way. 

March 17th

Honestly today was a mini-break down.  I was doing the math on what bills are due and how much I am going to get paid next week and I don't hav enough to cover.  I have rent, my phone, my insurance, my car tag, groceries and gas to put in the car.  Plus I need gas money to drive to Muskogee and enough money to get a CT scan on my face because for some reason I have this really bad infection in my nose that is not clearning up and one side of my nose is bigger than the other so that is making sleep difficult for me.  I am not a happy person right now.  I want to be healthy, but for some reason I am not. I just don't get it.  I go to the doctor and almost everytime I get some sort of bad reason.  I just want to cry.  I don't want to think of having to have surgery, but it might come to that.  I really hope not.  About 8 years I had a CT on my face and there was a polyp found as well as the deviated septum so I've know I had issues there, but I didn't want surgery then and I definetely don't want it now.  I will do what I have to do to get the hearing back in my ear as well as feel better.  I have one sinus infection after another.  I get more than my share of them. 
I have to take Preston to the dentist every few weeks and now I have to take him to Ada as well.  Ada once a month for 3 months, then everyother month, but all of that depends on him too.  I am stressed.  I will not have a solid paycheck in quite a while now.  I cannot afford to keep doing this on my own.  I was getting a little child support and that was helping, but his job lacked off and nothing.  I am working two jobs and I am still struggling on what to do now.  I am down to the bare minimum in expenses.  I have internet, my phone, rent and my light bill, insurance, and gas for my car plus groceries and I am still trying to stay on top.  I just want to cry and today I did right in front of my mom and the kids.   Mom is going to see what she can do with her job and help me out.  I need her help right now.  I really do and I appreciate it so much. 
So much stress is affecting me in a lot of ways.  I am forgetting things easily.  Today I had a panic attack and I felt like I was going to have a heart attack.  I ended up having some sharp tinges in my chest, but I was stressed.  I am ready for a break.  I am ready to relax for a few days and not let anything bother me, but I don't know how that is going to happen when I am dealing with an angry 13 year old male.  I have keep reminding myself to breathe.  BREATHE!!!!!!

March 13th

3 breakdowns in 4 days.  Oh boy!  I am beat today.  I need to relax and I am trying, but honestly I am just waiting for bedtime today.  I go to work tomorrow, but the kids are going to be here alone while I am working and I am nervous.  Really nervous.  They do good, but I am just going over and over what has happened before so that makes me uneasy.  I wished I could afford to put Noah in daycare this week or hire some to help babysit.  Noah is being trying here lately. 

I will survive.  I am strong, but I am a nervous parent right now.  I have no other option.  I am going to have a solid talk with both of them together and by themselves.  Strict rules to follow this week. 

March 9th

Tonight was hard.  My oldest son got frustrated with his little brother and decided to hit him with his reader and he lied about it.  He was afraid of telling me the truth and that I was going to hit him like his step-father did to him.  It broke my heart and it breaks me as a parent right now.  I am lost for words and just not sure what I need to do or say right now.  I love my child and I hate to see him in so much pain and turmoil.  He told me that he got upset in Social Studies today that his teacher got upset with a student and that student happens to be Preston's friend and he had flashbacks of the abuse that he suffered. 
I knew something was up when I picked him up from the library.  We went to WM after work today and he would stay behind me, he would not talk to me, he was just there.  We had dinner, but not a whole lot of joking or talking was going on.  He sat on the couch with Noah to help him to do his reader and he got frustrated at Noah.  Noah told me the truth, but Preston would not tell me.  I separated them and then I got them together and then I decided to have them re-enact what occurred and Preston would not participate so I knew something was up there.  He refused, but I got him to do and then he went nuts.  He got up and went towards his room.  I got him to stay and then I got close to him and he pulled away.  I kept walking towards him.  He kept backing and he ended up in his room and I walked right in there.  He wanted me to leave, but I stayed and he cried and I talked to him.  I just talked.  I got him to calm down and realize that I was not going to hurt him.  My whole body just ached from seeing this fear in his eyes.  They were so red from fear or anger or both.  He calmed down and we got through this.  That is all I know to do anymore.  I just know to relax and just be there and not push the "wrong" buttons. 
Tonight was hard and it was the 3rd blow up, but at least these blow ups are getting shorter.

March 7th

Honestly it is nice to be self-sufficient again.  I have had to use public assistance on and off for years, but now I can say that I don't have to anymore.  It is nice.  I am doing this on my own and yes at times it is hard, but I don't mind the hardship because I am doing it.  I don't have anyone telling me that I need to come in for appointment and that they need this or that.  I am relieved. 

Next year I will get my student loans paid off and then I can consider going back to school.  I am 2 years away from my B.S. in Business Management and I am going to go for it.  I am going to take one class at a time and online till Noah gets a litte bigger and becomes more self-sufficient and then I will go back to school on a full time basis.  I can't stop now.  I am so close, but honestly I love my job so much that I am not going to leave it, but I just want the degree to have it.  I have worked my rear off to get where I am now.

Trying out my phone.