March 17th

Honestly today was a mini-break down.  I was doing the math on what bills are due and how much I am going to get paid next week and I don't hav enough to cover.  I have rent, my phone, my insurance, my car tag, groceries and gas to put in the car.  Plus I need gas money to drive to Muskogee and enough money to get a CT scan on my face because for some reason I have this really bad infection in my nose that is not clearning up and one side of my nose is bigger than the other so that is making sleep difficult for me.  I am not a happy person right now.  I want to be healthy, but for some reason I am not. I just don't get it.  I go to the doctor and almost everytime I get some sort of bad reason.  I just want to cry.  I don't want to think of having to have surgery, but it might come to that.  I really hope not.  About 8 years I had a CT on my face and there was a polyp found as well as the deviated septum so I've know I had issues there, but I didn't want surgery then and I definetely don't want it now.  I will do what I have to do to get the hearing back in my ear as well as feel better.  I have one sinus infection after another.  I get more than my share of them. 
I have to take Preston to the dentist every few weeks and now I have to take him to Ada as well.  Ada once a month for 3 months, then everyother month, but all of that depends on him too.  I am stressed.  I will not have a solid paycheck in quite a while now.  I cannot afford to keep doing this on my own.  I was getting a little child support and that was helping, but his job lacked off and nothing.  I am working two jobs and I am still struggling on what to do now.  I am down to the bare minimum in expenses.  I have internet, my phone, rent and my light bill, insurance, and gas for my car plus groceries and I am still trying to stay on top.  I just want to cry and today I did right in front of my mom and the kids.   Mom is going to see what she can do with her job and help me out.  I need her help right now.  I really do and I appreciate it so much. 
So much stress is affecting me in a lot of ways.  I am forgetting things easily.  Today I had a panic attack and I felt like I was going to have a heart attack.  I ended up having some sharp tinges in my chest, but I was stressed.  I am ready for a break.  I am ready to relax for a few days and not let anything bother me, but I don't know how that is going to happen when I am dealing with an angry 13 year old male.  I have keep reminding myself to breathe.  BREATHE!!!!!!