Honestly today was a mini-break down. I was doing the math on what bills are due and how much I am going to get paid next week and I don't hav enough to cover. I have rent, my phone, my insurance, my car tag, groceries and gas to put in the car. Plus I need gas money to drive to Muskogee and enough money to get a CT scan on my face because for some reason I have this really bad infection in my nose that is not clearning up and one side of my nose is bigger than the other so that is making sleep difficult for me. I am not a happy person right now. I want to be healthy, but for some reason I am not. I just don't get it. I go to the doctor and almost everytime I get some sort of bad reason. I just want to cry. I don't want to think of having to have surgery, but it might come to that. I really hope not. About 8 years I had a CT on my face and there was a polyp found as well as the deviated septum so I've know I had issues there, but I didn't want surgery then and I definetely don't want it now. I will do what I have to do to get the hearing back in my ear as well as feel better. I have one sinus infection after another. I get more than my share of them.
I have to take Preston to the dentist every few weeks and now I have to take him to Ada as well. Ada once a month for 3 months, then everyother month, but all of that depends on him too. I am stressed. I will not have a solid paycheck in quite a while now. I cannot afford to keep doing this on my own. I was getting a little child support and that was helping, but his job lacked off and nothing. I am working two jobs and I am still struggling on what to do now. I am down to the bare minimum in expenses. I have internet, my phone, rent and my light bill, insurance, and gas for my car plus groceries and I am still trying to stay on top. I just want to cry and today I did right in front of my mom and the kids. Mom is going to see what she can do with her job and help me out. I need her help right now. I really do and I appreciate it so much.
So much stress is affecting me in a lot of ways. I am forgetting things easily. Today I had a panic attack and I felt like I was going to have a heart attack. I ended up having some sharp tinges in my chest, but I was stressed. I am ready for a break. I am ready to relax for a few days and not let anything bother me, but I don't know how that is going to happen when I am dealing with an angry 13 year old male. I have keep reminding myself to breathe. BREATHE!!!!!!
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Sunday, March 13, 2011
March 13th
3 breakdowns in 4 days. Oh boy! I am beat today. I need to relax and I am trying, but honestly I am just waiting for bedtime today. I go to work tomorrow, but the kids are going to be here alone while I am working and I am nervous. Really nervous. They do good, but I am just going over and over what has happened before so that makes me uneasy. I wished I could afford to put Noah in daycare this week or hire some to help babysit. Noah is being trying here lately.
I will survive. I am strong, but I am a nervous parent right now. I have no other option. I am going to have a solid talk with both of them together and by themselves. Strict rules to follow this week.
I will survive. I am strong, but I am a nervous parent right now. I have no other option. I am going to have a solid talk with both of them together and by themselves. Strict rules to follow this week.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
March 9th
Tonight was hard. My oldest son got frustrated with his little brother and decided to hit him with his reader and he lied about it. He was afraid of telling me the truth and that I was going to hit him like his step-father did to him. It broke my heart and it breaks me as a parent right now. I am lost for words and just not sure what I need to do or say right now. I love my child and I hate to see him in so much pain and turmoil. He told me that he got upset in Social Studies today that his teacher got upset with a student and that student happens to be Preston's friend and he had flashbacks of the abuse that he suffered.
I knew something was up when I picked him up from the library. We went to WM after work today and he would stay behind me, he would not talk to me, he was just there. We had dinner, but not a whole lot of joking or talking was going on. He sat on the couch with Noah to help him to do his reader and he got frustrated at Noah. Noah told me the truth, but Preston would not tell me. I separated them and then I got them together and then I decided to have them re-enact what occurred and Preston would not participate so I knew something was up there. He refused, but I got him to do and then he went nuts. He got up and went towards his room. I got him to stay and then I got close to him and he pulled away. I kept walking towards him. He kept backing and he ended up in his room and I walked right in there. He wanted me to leave, but I stayed and he cried and I talked to him. I just talked. I got him to calm down and realize that I was not going to hurt him. My whole body just ached from seeing this fear in his eyes. They were so red from fear or anger or both. He calmed down and we got through this. That is all I know to do anymore. I just know to relax and just be there and not push the "wrong" buttons.
Tonight was hard and it was the 3rd blow up, but at least these blow ups are getting shorter.
I knew something was up when I picked him up from the library. We went to WM after work today and he would stay behind me, he would not talk to me, he was just there. We had dinner, but not a whole lot of joking or talking was going on. He sat on the couch with Noah to help him to do his reader and he got frustrated at Noah. Noah told me the truth, but Preston would not tell me. I separated them and then I got them together and then I decided to have them re-enact what occurred and Preston would not participate so I knew something was up there. He refused, but I got him to do and then he went nuts. He got up and went towards his room. I got him to stay and then I got close to him and he pulled away. I kept walking towards him. He kept backing and he ended up in his room and I walked right in there. He wanted me to leave, but I stayed and he cried and I talked to him. I just talked. I got him to calm down and realize that I was not going to hurt him. My whole body just ached from seeing this fear in his eyes. They were so red from fear or anger or both. He calmed down and we got through this. That is all I know to do anymore. I just know to relax and just be there and not push the "wrong" buttons.
Tonight was hard and it was the 3rd blow up, but at least these blow ups are getting shorter.
Monday, March 7, 2011
March 7th
Honestly it is nice to be self-sufficient again. I have had to use public assistance on and off for years, but now I can say that I don't have to anymore. It is nice. I am doing this on my own and yes at times it is hard, but I don't mind the hardship because I am doing it. I don't have anyone telling me that I need to come in for appointment and that they need this or that. I am relieved.
Next year I will get my student loans paid off and then I can consider going back to school. I am 2 years away from my B.S. in Business Management and I am going to go for it. I am going to take one class at a time and online till Noah gets a litte bigger and becomes more self-sufficient and then I will go back to school on a full time basis. I can't stop now. I am so close, but honestly I love my job so much that I am not going to leave it, but I just want the degree to have it. I have worked my rear off to get where I am now.
Next year I will get my student loans paid off and then I can consider going back to school. I am 2 years away from my B.S. in Business Management and I am going to go for it. I am going to take one class at a time and online till Noah gets a litte bigger and becomes more self-sufficient and then I will go back to school on a full time basis. I can't stop now. I am so close, but honestly I love my job so much that I am not going to leave it, but I just want the degree to have it. I have worked my rear off to get where I am now.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Friday, March 4, 2011
March 4th
Today was a day from hades honestly. It started out good at work, but ended on a stressful note. Plus I went to go cash a check and somehow I ended up losing my license in my car. It grew legs and jumped out my window or something. I have no idea what happened. I know it didn't go out the window and I have no clue on where it went too. It is frustrating me to no end that I can't find it. I hope tomorrow it is in the sit waiting on me.
As of now I sitting on the couch watching "The Devil Wears Prada" with my boys, but I am not really into the movie right now. I want to see the "A Team" again. I will buy probably before to long.
Yawn, yawn, yawn. I am tired and I am ready for bed. I will get Noah there soon and then off to bed I go too.
As of now I sitting on the couch watching "The Devil Wears Prada" with my boys, but I am not really into the movie right now. I want to see the "A Team" again. I will buy probably before to long.
Yawn, yawn, yawn. I am tired and I am ready for bed. I will get Noah there soon and then off to bed I go too.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Part 2...March 3rd
In a month and a few days, I am going to be a mother of a 14 year old son. Geez! Where did that time go? So many things have changed in our lives since he was first year. Cell phones were out there and not as popular as they are now...not every one had one and that was me included. We could still feel a little comfortable sending our children to places and knowing they would be somewhat safe and now I can't even let them out of our home. He went to the public library of all things and some person asked him if he had weed or if he where he could get some. We move into a new place and our first week here, we get home from school and some of the kids that live here decided to take my children things and decide to play with them and they did not ask much less did the parents even bother to find out where the children got their "new" toys. I was not a happy parent. I conforted the parent and guess what they did not care that their child borrowed my child's toy without asking.
I get mighty upset if my children use my things without asking. Preston borrowed my jacket and guess what he did....he lost it. I was upset with him and I am still am. I paid for that and he had no right to take it without me asking. I have raised my children better than that. Some day he will have children of his own and he will know how I am feeling and why I have done things I have done. So many things to worry about and not enough time to do it all.
I get mighty upset if my children use my things without asking. Preston borrowed my jacket and guess what he did....he lost it. I was upset with him and I am still am. I paid for that and he had no right to take it without me asking. I have raised my children better than that. Some day he will have children of his own and he will know how I am feeling and why I have done things I have done. So many things to worry about and not enough time to do it all.
March 3, 2011
This is the 3rd blog I have created, but for some reason I keep forgetting the username and password to them. I hope this one I don't. I need an outlet to write and put stuff out there. You want to read it, go ahead and if it doesn't interest you then I am okay with that too.
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